2013

I remember sitting at my Duke cubical, listening to "Hold On Magnolia" reflecting on how I'd spend the rest of my career, for better or worse, under the navy blue. A month later, I was at Cree.

Life changes. Sometimes its small seemingly minute changes; somethings monumental life altering changes.

"The Space Between"

Celebration and joy. Mourning and sorrow. And the space between.

Job offers and lay offs. Deaths and accomplishments. And delicate balance between the two.

Purple belt

Its been a little over a year now since I was promoted to purple belt. It was a odd combination of excitement, accomplishment, and dread when I saw Geoff out of the corner of my eye approaching me with my purple belt dangling from his hand.

I felt a bull's eye craved in my back as the purple belt was wrapped around me. That intentionally or even just subconsciously my training partners would put forth their best efforts in trying to tap me or pressure me or use me as a barometer of their games. I found myself discouraged as I thought about my new competition waiting for me at tournaments. But what I was really worried about was my game, how inadequate I felt to be a purple, the glaring holes that I thought somehow Geoff missed or choose to ignore. "Certainly, I truly do not deserve this promotion," I told myself.

To make up for these insecurities I push. I pressured. I tried to force myself to be better.

Then a random weekend afternoon we headed over to Forged Fitness. In the middle of a marathon rolling session I was matched up with a blue belt. Minutes were passing as I was getting more exhausted, until finally I had no energy left. I got tapped. Gasping for air, I thanked my training partner and crawled to the wall. With my head down and back against the wall, desperately trying to recover, Billy looked at me and informed me "you're not done." He threw back in there with the blue.

I got my ass kicked. I moved, positioned, and defended with every ounce of energy I had left but every time I would find myself tapping. Eventually a brown belt took the blue's place and it just made the submissions more frequent.

I laid there, exhausted, beaten up, dominated. There it no longer matter what belt I held....I was stuck there and my preconceived notices of required skill set for my belt color wasn't going to help me. There is were I was freed from bounding myself to my own expectations.

This liberation from holding myself to my own ridiculous standards has been the most tangible moment of clarity I've had as a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioner. And its been the best thing that ever happened to my game. 

John 11:35

Late last year, after a couple of minutes of discussion a person told me that he didn't consider homosexuals to be his neighbor. 

And Jesus wept.  

"In Reverie"

A couple months ago Frankie looked at Daniel and said "You haven't met the baby yet!"

We were kids when we started this thing. 

Bright eyed and gritty. Even 5 years later I am still taken by the continual evidence of appending adulthood. That we are now the mentors, the teachers, and the fathers. 

Soundtrack 2012

In some ways this felt like a long year. I think about where I was New Years of 2012, celebrating with friends in upstate New York, laughing, eating, celebrating.... but even those seemingly fresh memories have been chipped away by time, losing its color tint, becoming another faded memory.

In other ways its felt like a short year. Changes, road trips, sadness and rejoicing happen so fast sometimes its hard to make it a memory. Rapid moments recall like bursts of light, flashing by as if I'm in a speeding vehicle.

I wake up in a house I own, with my lovely wife and fluffy dog. Most days I begrudgingly put on pants and head to work. Then there are days when I take my time, I find myself in awe. At the random moments and the cosmically planned ones, to which have led me here. Each joyful moment with Sara, each friendly smiles from people I love, each quality meal, each expression of gratitude, each moment, each year....

1. Sufjan Stevens - Sister
2. Sufjan Stevens - Casmir Pulaski Day
3. Kooley High - Dear Raleigh
4. Rosie Thomas - Much Farther To Go
5. Sucre - Hiding Out
6. Rosie Thomas & Sufjan Stevens - Where Are You?
7. Delta Rae - Morning Comes
8. The Welcome Wagon - God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again
9. Right Away, Great Captain - I Am Aware
10. Band of Horses - The Funeral
11. Adele - Chasing Pavements
12. Fort Atlantic - Let Your Heart Hold Fast 
13. Sufjan Stevens - Vito's Ordination Song

"Sister"

What the water wants is hurricanes......




Whenever I listen to that line I'm taken back. When I think of a hurricane I think of a powerful source of devastation and destruction. I never could imagine it being desired by anyone or anything.

I guess within the line it reminds that my perspective is just one small idea in the scope of 7 billion people.

"Casimir Pulaski Day"

Just a four days ago Sara threw a baby shower for a parishioner of a non-profit we support.

They laughed, they played games, they rejoiced, they smiled.

Two days ago the parishioner lost her baby.

We cried. We mourn. We pray.

I don't pretend to fully understand the theological implications of death or bad things happening to good people.

But I do understand the need for comfort. For strength. For healing. For mercy. For grace.

2011 soundtrack

1. The Vespers - "Will You Love Me?"



2. David Crowder Band - "The Transfiguration"



3. Manchester Orchestra - "Simple Math"



4. Saves the Day - "Undress Me"



5. Civil Wars - "I've Got This Friend"



6. Martha Ann Motel - "Where Are You Now?"

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]


7. Ingrid Michael - "You and I"



8. The Beatles - "All You Need is Love"

9. Edward Sharp and The Magnetic Zeros - "Home"



10. Gray Young - "Unbound"

"Home"

When I was ten, I moved away from the only home I ever knew. Ever since, I was in a constant search of "home." The place where the walls held my memories. Where I was welcomed. Where I belonged. I'd be increasingly jealous of my friends that could go back to their childhood's home. That they could come back to a foundation, to something that felt never changing. For so long, I felt like a nomad. Wandering through baron plains, just making camp to leave again.  New places, new beds, staring at new awkward ceilings. Each year I'd find myself more cynical of the idea a home. Assuming it was just  youthful idealism with no merit or purpose. Living in a world of temporary, with interchangeable parts, why would anyone need attachments?

But then I found home. I found that I could belong. I found that I could be welcomed. Not in a house, or location. Not in a city of a state. But in Sara. In our marriage, our friendship, our romance, our life together.

Home. is where ever I'm with you. 

"Firefly"

11 years is a damn long time to know someone. Specially in the scope of high school and college, where friendships emerge and dissipate in a blink of an eye, 11 years is indeed an impressive length of time to call someone your friend. And if there is someone in this life in whom I've shared the full spectrum of emotions, its been Karen Burns. Which is why I find it a blessing that I was part of the chorus of family and friends to witness Karen dedicating her life and love to Marshall.


11 years later and this is prob the best picture we taken together. Haha.

At the end of the ceremony, the officiant announced that "love wins." I stood, clapping and reciting along to the words of "You and I", as the husband and wife passed by with gleaming smiles and repressed tears of joy. The magnitude of the statement resonated through my heart. Love does win, in eternity, in romance, and in friendship. 

So on a pleasant afternoon in September, amidst the subtle North Carolina heat. I witnessed the girl who spent her life chasing butterflies..... catch one.

"I AM FORWARD"

Like most of entries I had this saved in my drafts for a while. Sometimes I always feel the end to make a nicely written ending and for me thats the hardest part. So I'll just post as is. 

 

Jewish. Pervert. Loudmouth. A-hole. Drunkard............Passionate. Genuine. Loyal. Friend.

Today a person that I've shared this journey from college to adulthood with is stepping onto an airplane and moving thousands miles away. While there the Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Google +, and even this thing named a call function of phones will keep us contacted with each other it will not replace sitting down at a table enjoying a pint and shooting the shit.

"All You Need is Love"

I posted this in my old blog nearly a decade ago....

http://ewantsout.diaryland.com/010918_32.html

As I stood next to Mike, watching Tiff descend down the stairs of the park in her gown, I couldn't help but to be amazed. Amazed at the fact that what once was juvenile acts and feelings that accompany high school, has through the years evolved into something as beautiful as a marriage. That through all the strife, heartache, difficulties and changes, these two persevered. This love has carried these two 9 and a half years, 2 different states, thousands of miles, different colleges, even different countries. But along the uneven and cracked road, love survived. Love grew. Love flurioushed. Love won.

As they both ascended back up the stairs as husband and wife, a choir of observers filled of friends and families, those who have been blessed to witness this couple grow, sang in union, "All you need is love, love, love..... love is all you need." And with each step up the stairs, their hands clasped together, I thought of how appropriate those lyrics were filling the springtime air. All you need is love.....

love is all you need.

"Great Rejoicing"

I remember standing there as this old man was addressing all these newly accepted Duke students.

"Getting accepted to Duke was the best day of my life!"

Instantly I felt sad for the man. That the 40+ years or the 18 before them did not contain any better moment in his life. Christmas? Thanksgiving with the family? Wedding? Birth of a child? These events were less significant compared to receiving a letter that says you are accepted to an academic institution? I understand the excitement, I've seen someone receive that same exact acceptance letter (actually it was an email). Heck, I jumped through the halls of my condo once I received the acceptance letter to Campbell.

But one of the worse lies I've heard lately is the idea that college is the best time of your life. That is complete bullcrap.

I had an amazing time in college. I did things that I never thought I've ever accomplish in my life. From a packing out a gymnasium to bowing in front of a standing ovation. College provide me with numerous bookmark moments. And there are those times that I miss the spontaneity, care free atmosphere of college.....

Yet, I've recently came to the conclusion that these past years I've spent graduated are some of the best of my life.

Yes, the "real world" has its share of struggles. There are those days that the monogamy of working makes you completely miserable and the real world does take a considerable amount of adjusting.

But once you find solid ground in the middle of the bombardment of new responsibilities and a new life, I hope you find what I found. The most fulfillment I've had in my life.

Audio obession for the day

Further Seems Forever - On Legendary

Summer is gone and winter is never too far now
When my poor arms (my arms are aching)
outstretched so long that my bones are now breaking
but there, you come with a smile that sends any man to his knees
And I feel I've begun now that we're one now
now that we're one now

2010: The Soundtrack

Reflecting on this year before, I was afraid that I didn't make any great strides to listen to any great or new music. Then when I started to listen to songs that were relevant for me this year a great collection of music was established. This has been quite the year filled with events that will shape my being.


Roman Candle - Eden Was A Garden
The beginning of the year was full of anticipation. Bachelor parties, weddings, marriages, moving, tournaments, life constantly moving at paces that I pretended to be accustomed too but never really comfortable with. Roman Candle has also been one of Raleigh's standout in the indie scene but never got really into them until I listened to this song.



Drake - Over
Drake is my guilty pleasure. I know many of the underground/hardcore rap hip hop fans hate on him but I can't help but to enjoy his hooks. Plus I believe knowing him first as Jimmy Brooks give me a free pass to enjoy his music. Starting to plan Adam's bachelor party was proving to be a difficult task. I was finding myself frustrated with his friend and having arguments over FaceBook. But when we finally made it to Atlantic City everything came together and consummated into one of the most memorable weekends of my life. While Friday was a reconnecting with friends and making a new one in Adam's HS friend Anthony, Saturday turned into an all out party. Eating expensive steak dinners, drinking wild amounts of liquor (well in Adam's case Crown Royal), running into multiple bachelorette parties, going to bars and clubs. A completely captivating weekend.


Sufjan Stevens - All Delighted People
I remember Nader was the one who posted that there was new Sufjan Stevens up. Ecstatic, like a child tearing the wrapping of a Christmas present, I followed the link and began to listen. It was blissfully chaotic. When the world has come and gone shall we follow our transgressions or shall we stand strong...... and what difference does it make if the world is a mess....... I can just imagine myself screeching those words in agony questioning my faith, my world, my fellow human, my resolve, myself.


Thad Cockrell - Beauty Has A Name
So much planning. So much money. So much bickering. So much drama goes into planning a wedding. Its your bride's day so even the casual or smallest of occasions has it situations. Yet, when the day comes all those things that's been hanging over your head become so tiny and minute compared to the beautiful thing that happens that day. Being stuck in the room awaiting to present myself in front of my family and friends the magnitude of the moment took over me. Pacing back and forth, heart racing, I walked into a full church of the dearest of family and friends. As soon as Sara began walking down the aisle I fought back tears. My machismo was fully relinquished when I began to speak the vows I made for her. Looking into the eyes of the woman that I am submitting myself to I couldn't make it pass the first few words before I choked up. Then the party begins and you share so many wonderful moments with so many wonderful people that are so essential to your life. Then when everyone leaves, the table is cleaned, and the floor is swiped...... you still have her.

Clash at Demonhead - Black Sheep
When I was in High School and begin to define myself with indie music, emo music, punk music, I'd imagine that my love life would turn out exactly like Scott Pilgrim's. Nerdy, insecure, quiet kid wooing the mysterious and socially rebellious girl. My life didn't quite turn out that way but I still identify a lot with 15 year old Elliot. How much pure inhibition passion he had, how reckless he was with his pursues with love. Those things I now try to pour into my marriage to Sara.

Sufjan Stevens - Futile Devices
If I had to sum up my year in music into albums it would be divided into two. The first one would be Sufjan's Age of Adz. Throughout the album it speaks of a theme of now words hold a lot of weight in society. And I pondered on that, that in the end words are futile devices. And some of my own experiences this year held true to the idea.

Derek Webb - Give Us Today Our Daily Bread
The other album would be Derek Webb's Feedback album. An instrumental worship album to the Lord's Prayer. Growing up my Dad would tell us to recite the Lord's prayer before we headed to bed. I think it was this introduction (and reciting it robotically in the Presbyterian church) to the prayer that made it lose its luster. Something cookie cutter and not sincere to your own heart. Yet when Derek Webb introduced this project, I begin to listen to the music and look at the paintings. Then I found a video from the painter Scott Erickson, and he said something that really shook me. "Its an invitiation for you to go deeper..... if He could sum up prayer for people to God, He gave us this statement. That's a pretty amazing invitation." It made me realize that it is kind of a blue print to prayer. Quite the amazing invitation indeed.



Saves the Day - Hold (Electric)
I've said it a million times, but I'll say it again, I'm an extremely reflective person. Most of the time I don't even consider how something has effected me until well past that events has happened. When I was heading to marriage I started to look into my past and the hindsight of things help me understand what I've been through. Why God chosen to place me in those situations, pitted me against those trials, lead me to joy in those triumphs. My writings on those experiences (yet to be finished I know) had become a great tool for me to prepare myself for marriage. When I hear this song it illustrates that idea for me. This is a one of the first songs ever to be released by Saves the Day, and now with a completely different band its re-released and you can hear the maturity and growth of the artist despite the song, chores, and lyrics being the same.


Husking Bee - Sun Myself
I didn't hear this song until very late in the year when Chris Conley released a EP with the lead singer of Husking Bee. Reading the translated lyrics (no I cant read Japanese just because I am Asian) I understand the peace that the song speaks of. Sometimes I can't just but to help to lose myself in the sky in its deep blue, birds soaring through the sky, and in me in the shade taking it all in.


The Annuals - Springtime
So confession, I stole this song from the Vintage 21 video that announced their new space. I can feel the anticipation of the new season in this song. I approach a new season of my life, I am married now, we even have a dog. Sara and I are the starting point of this family and I am so completely excited for what the new season brings. And what was once a point of hesitation, is now a point of anticipation: time. Time keeps moving and I once was reluctant to move along with it. But for now I am along for the ride. I'm married..... saying those words in no way conveys the weight that it should.... wow..... pretty freakin amazing.













bonus track:

Journey - Don't Stop Believing
FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I will never forget the incredible circle we created at Adam and Kristin's wedding screaming out this song at the top of our lungs. It was an unbelievable joyous day, filled with so much smiles and laughter and love. And to complete the night, you must end with Journey.

"Let It All Go"

When it gets really cold and I can smell the temperature in the air it always reminds me how I am not in Florida anymore and this fantastic journey of life I've been on. I used to be so paralyzed by insecurities, so occupied with uncertainty. But when that crisp air hits my cheeks I can feel it dissipate into the wind.

I love the fall.

Chapter 5: "When It Isn't Like It Should Be"

Why is everything loneliness with me? Sometimes I try to hard..... I just want to be like everyone else. Why can't I be everything to everyone else, or maybe just to you? Just once I would like to be something.

Who was Elliot Acosta? Who was he? After 21 years, I had no real idea who I was anymore. For so long I'd find my identify within the relationships that I found myself in, but if I wasn't Elliot the boyfriend... then who was I? I wasn't an athlete, an academic all star, popular..... I wasn't anything.....

Along with not taking care of myself emotionally, I certainly wasn't taking care of myself physically. My gout was constantly flaring up, I would get persistent nose bleeds, I started to developing sleep apnea, my eczema was covering my face and body, I wasn't monitoring my blood pressure for years and I was extremely overweight. I was tipping the scales at 275, I was so disgusted at myself that I couldn't even wrestle heavyweight if I were to still be in high school.

Despite the reservations I had in myself I started the summer thinking I can transform myself into a ladies man. I played the role as the nice guy for so long, believing in relationships, believing in love, only to find myself broken. I started out in Chicago with Mike. Most of the time spent there was exploration of the city and enjoyment of culinary delights. But one night in particular, I spent determine to forget that there was even a word, "relationship." Being newly 21, we went to Coyote Ugly, I mean the movie made the place seem so welcoming. The night became a whirlwind, it was going to be the first night I'd be drunk since I was 15. I spent the majority of the time there pursuing a Coyote that looked like a dolled up Karen, brought Mike a body shot as I screamed to everyone "my friend is losing his innocence!", and befriending an Hispanic man who I bought drinks for because he was my "friend." The night led us to a club in the outskirts of Downtown Chicago, being led there by random females we met at Coyote Ugly. A couple nights after that event, we were at Buddy Lee's Jazz bar and I met a female from Australia. She had clear green eyes and a Jewel-like-cuteness of a crooked tooth. I was infatuated by her looks and accent, so much that I poured $50 worth of drinks into her and her friend, only to end the night it a kiss on the cheek. Back then, I figured I spit mad game to get that far, now I understand the pity that action was breed from. After Chicago I traveled to Vegas to spend time with family, there I realized the stupid amount of effort I was putting into my attempts to pick up females. Also, I came to the realization that I could not button my shorts over my huge belly.

Once I returned to Florida from my trips, I was able to begin finding my center. I even found motivation to exercise again. Being on my way to healing myself from my emotional wounds, I took a trip to NYC and Massachusetts with my mother and brothers. Its funny to me how close I must of been to Sara during my trip to Massachusetts. I had no idea, I couldn't even fathom the thought that the woman I'd be marrying was just minutes away. I wonder, did I pass by her on the Mass Pike? Were we at the same Friendly's and just never knew it? Not knowing in a couple of months we would be introduced.

Though the trips around the country were exactly what I needed, I started to feel myself becoming exhausted with all the travel. I longed for that little rural town located in the middle of nowhere North Carolina, I longed to be back in the Creek. That year it would be just me, Ryan and Kenny sharing an apartment. Kenny typically did his own thing, go home on the weekends, spend time with his girlfriend. So I knew that I would be spending most of my time with Ryan. Ryan's popularity at Campbell was skyrocketing. He was becoming as much legend as man in the Creek. And as that legend grew, so did my own social status. I was never part of the social elite growing up. I always figured I was well liked by people but I spent most of my time in the wrestling room or with a small select group of people. The social structure at Campbell is different than a typical university as its more like a high school. Of course there are those who just did their own thing and did not participate in campus activities and groups, but those who found themselves in the mainstream of campus life found privacy hard to come by. Soon enough I would enter any room at Campbell and be obligated to greet at least one person in the room. The phrase "I've heard a lot about you," would be how individuals would introduced themselves to me. Our weekends felt like a constant rotation of people that would accompany us drinking or clubbing. Despite my initial reservations of such a life style, I was having a lot of fun. There was nothing that I was attached too, nothing to worry about. Any self doubt I had about myself could be drowned out by the bottle. I was flirting with as many females as possible and to my surprise I felt like I was actually making a bit of progress. I thought I was making these great strides to discovering who I was. Focusing just on myself for the first time in the long time, I felt like I finally starting to figure myself out.

This path of self enlightenment is what I figured I needed. Being detached from relationships, not to be bound by the responsibility of being romantically linked to another person. The thought of placing myself in a romantic relationship felt distance. That was until Kristen Lohr happened. I truly believe that nothing would have turned out like it has if it wasn't for Kristen. I met Kristen freshman year when Adam introduced us, they went to the same church in Maryland. I thought Kris was a nice girl and we always had a pretty casual friendship throughout our undergrad careers. I started to spend an increasingly amount of time with her social circle, eventually they became some of my favorite people to hang out with my senior year. As I spent more time with that group of people, I gravitated towards Kris. We'd talk long into the night about experiences, travel, and the future. She was sweet, funny, outgoing, charming, just overall wonderful to spend time with and talk to. Still, I was successfully curbing any urge to begin a relationship. We'd go out to clubs or late night Waffle House runs, I'd shamelessly flirt with her.... I mean I was having fun..... so I thought. But eventually real emotions and casually flirting began to mix up with each other, suddenly I didn't quite know how I felt about Kris. What I knew was that I lacked any emotional capabilities to carry on a relationship. One random Friday evening, me and Ryan decided to go clubbing with Kris and a few of her friends. It became a wild night as soon as we arrived to the door of the apartment. Drinks, shots, laughing, partying, flirting. All of it became blurs as we stumbled down to the parking lot, stuffing ourselves into a SUV. The party continued has we headed for Raleigh. Kris was being particularly entertaining with her antics during the drive up. The party was getting a bit too hectic inside of the car, so in the brilliancy of my drunken thought I figured a way to calm it down. I grabbed Kris's face and plunged my face into her's. Hasn't been my most romantic moment in pursuing a first kiss but it sparked the trend for that night. That overly affectionate couple in the club? Yeah, that was me for a night. Drunk and affectionate we headed back to her friends' apartment. We attempted to have a serious conversation on the floor of her friend's bedroom but it was constantly interrupted with her friends persistence that we hook up and me interrupting her with kisses. By the end of the night, she was sober enough and I was hungry enough to ride over to Waffle House. Sitting there waiting to be served, I reached over the table to take her hands in mine. Our waitress greeted us with awes, "Are you guys a couple?" she asked. Confused we looked at each other and then back at the waitress, we didn't have an answer, we had no idea what we were.

With our relationship still up in the air, the next day I was filled with confusion and anxiety. I laid in bed staring at the sky wondering what had happened. This wasn't suppose to happen, not this year, not this time. I wasn't suppose to find someone that I loved spending time with, talking to, cared that much about. Intimate moments were suppose to be fleeting, as was I. I wanted easy moments and easy fun. My romantic life was suppose to spark like a match then die out just as quickly. That day for me was emotional and mental torment. As my anxiety built throughout the night I came to the conclusion that I could not handle a real relationship if this undefined one was causing me this amount of internal strife. Kris appeared to agree, she wasn't looking for a relationship, she didn't know how she felt about being in one with me. But neither of us could stick to our convictions. We would be convinced that we should stay platonic friends for a second then the next we would be kissing. We would run into each other wondering around campus and I would never know how to react. She would invite me over to her place and I never knew if it was a romantic or platonic invitation. With the semester coming to an end, we started to solidified on the fact that we were nothing more than good friends. But as that flicker of romance faded it gave light to the fact that the partying, man-whoring, casual Elliot had an expiration date and it was coming sooner than later.

Kris and I were never quite the same friends after that tiny bout of romance. It disappoints me how that friendship faded away, because I love talking to Kris. You really do put the relationship on the line when you take a chance, and sometimes it never comes out the same.

Coming back for my final semester of college I was celebrating the personal progress I've made. I felt like I was finally defining the rough edges of who I was and who I wanted to become. Life was coming around quite nicely as well, it looked like I was well on my way to graduation. I had a vibrant social life, between being part of the Challenged, member of SGA, CAB, and CU sport fanatic I hardly found a dull moment. I even reconnected with old friends that I had all but lost. Life was good. Yet I still felt inadequate, ugly, unsure of myself. I was keeping those feelings in check until at a random party me and Ryan was hosting at our apartment. We were hanging out with a new group of people we recently were introduced to. For whatever reason the party turned to where one of the ladies were asked if she thought I was attractive. She gave a clear cut no. Hearing this, all my insecurities and self loathing bubbled to the surface. Ugly and undesirable were the thoughts dominating filling my head. Her opinion was what I thought was the woman wide opinion about me, it felt like the entire female race rejecting me. Locking myself in my room, I scribbled in my prayer journal how I was nothing. How shitty of a person I was on the inside and out. The words of Saves The Day's "Handsome Boy" were filling my head, "Hard to look at the mirrors these days when everyone has everything you rather be." I left the apartment and wondered around campus, finding myself in front of one of the school's fountains. I cried myself to whimpers. I realized I was still broken. That I still needed healing. Adam and I would have discussions, and I'd tell him how just completely undesirable I felt. That no one took me seriously, and I was just the Asian punch line. I just wanted to be like everyone else, I didn't want to overly emotional or weird anymore. Why couldn't I just be like every other guy and just fool around without a conscious. I had more acquaintances and had more fun than I had in a very long time, yet I still couldn't find complete peace within myself.

I hoped for a life of comfort that year. A life of ease, void of real emotions, or as I thought of it a life without difficult emotions. But as I ran from those things God didn't provide me that luxury. I attempted to become the opposite of everything that I've made myself out to be, but I could not hide from myself....and as I was soon going to find out, I couldn't hide myself from Sara.

"Hear You Me"

Bored, sitting in the corner of a department store as Sara was shopping for clothes, scrolling through Facebook on my Blackberry, I saw Dexter Dodd post a memorial on someone's wall. As I looked at the wall it was posted on, I found that it was John Kim. I only shared a year, more like a semester and a half of friendship with John. Even in that short time, I felt I was able to truly know the heart of who he was. The goodness of him as a person, the reflection of Christ he projected. Though I can't reenact many of our specific conversations, the time we did spend together left me with the understanding that he was a true person, a true friend, even for just a fleeting moment in time. Though the time I knew John was short it was devastating to hear the news of his passing, so it crushes my heart to think of those who were blessed with knowing him for even longer.

John transfered out of Campbell the following year. We became "when you are in town" friends, saying to each other that we should meet up when the other is in town over FaceBook. Leaving random comments, typically about sports, on each other's wall. Eventually even those stopped and he became another status on my newsfeed. Sometimes I wonder if the effect of his death has on me is more selfish. That his passing brings my morality even more to light. Or if I am forcing myself to be sad for an old friend.... But when I think of lost of a friend, no matter how seemingly minimal that time was, no matter how small the moment in the scope of life, lost of true friendship, lost of true fellowship, should always be mourned.

Why does apathy get the best of us? It feels like there are countless friendships in the past that I've let slip into oblivion. Relationships that I've truly delighted in, even counted on, for a period of time turn into acquaintanceships. I always figured that the divine purpose of that relationship had been fulfilled, and God leads you to move on with those relationships always in your heart. But there is a certain accountability that must be placed on oneself. If there is one glaring lesson I've learned in the past years is that friendships take an amazing amount of work. That to nurture and grow a relationship with a friend takes an amount of laboring. That friendships do not necessarily come easy. I pray for the resolve to put in that work, to nurture those relationships.

May angels lead you in, hear you me my friends. May angels lead you in.

Chapter 4: "Cheer"

It's been so long since I had a smile, stayed sad for such a long while. If you can cheer me up, I could learn to love you. I don't want to spend the rest of my days dreaming yesterday's daydreams. Don't want to spend the rest of my days giving yesterday's promises.

Honestly, I do not remember how I met Robin Carawan. I vaguely remember my good friend Jenny Sweet introducing us once freshman year. When we first started our friendship she actually told me we were in two classes together, which I have no recollection of. In my memories, its like she came in my life out of nowhere. Which is pretty accurate description on how it all began.

Fast forward to my second semester of my sophomore year of college. The first real relationship I ever had was in shambles. I was completely broken inside, an emotional wreck. I would spend most of my day walking around campus with my head down. When people would ask how I was, I'd tell them I was doing horrible. I felt like my life lost all its color and all that I had left was shades of gray. My closest friends at Campbell tried their best to cheer me up. Well actually not all of them, AB did utter her famous line, "The only reason you go on a break is to cheat on somebody." Despite their attempts, no one understood how I felt. How could they? All their relationships combine didn't equal the length of mine. By that point none of them have been in love. They would offer words of encouragement and I would just nod my head and continue on with my path of despair. Arrogantly, I thought that if I were to become single, that the tales of my amazing relationship skills would have reached everywhere and there'd be a parade of woman awaiting to win my heart. But there was no parade, no females. Just loneliness. The first real tangible memory I have of Robin was at Marshbanks cafeteria. She was sitting across from me, next to my dear friend Mary. As the meal progressed, me and Robin started to casually flirt. Nothing serious, just some witty remarks and shooting smiles back at each other. I remember that night because I was actually happy. It felt like it had been so long since I had a genuine smile, it felt amazing to not fake it. From there mine and Robin's friendship exploded from nowhere. We would talk to each other on IM well into the night. As I came to learn, Robin had a high school sweetheart too. They were planning to get married too. But their relationship came to a messy end as well, that left Robin with a set of scars that were similar to mine. Being part friend, part therapist, Robin would not allow me to sidestep my issues. I was able to deceive my closer friends into avoiding talks about my faded relationship, I'd give them two worded answers that turned the conversation into a different discussion. Chats with Robin were different, she forced me to talk about it. My emotions, my pain, she didn't settle for surface answers. Sometimes I didn't know if it was her interest in consoling or her sympathizing with my situation. Either way, allowing her to explore my brokenness felt like the only real healing I was able to get during those times.

As she continued to dwell deeper into my state of depression, she allowed me into her own. It had been a really difficult last couple of years for her, and I could tell by our first brief conversations how jaded she had become. With each conversation, Robin allowed me deeper into her internal conflict. I found comfort in providing security for someone again. Always looking for a way to be heroic, it felt like I found a purpose in helping Robin. Despite being in a relationship with her boyfriend James, Robin was critical about the whole idea of romance and love. She once believed in those things; fairy tales, princesses, happily ever afters but since lost faith in those ideals. Even though my own romantic life was in ruin, believing in those ideals still gave me hope for better days and it bothered me how weary she had became. It began innocent enough, I thought I was pursuing a noble cause. To have a young lady believe in love again, sounded like a job for a wandering rōnin. In the beginning it was just to get the ideal of love and romance back, I had no real plans to add myself to the equation. But with every little inadequacy of her relationship, I was there standing tall with a shoulder to cry on. Slight handled I kept offering her the alternative. There wasn't enough romance in the relationship? Well if it was me, I'd shower you with roses and chocolates every day. He isn't caring enough for you? All I ever do is care.

Our nightly chats would carry on harmlessly. I told myself that it was purely platonic. I was still carrying the weight the of my past relationship and she was still dealing with hers. We just found a certain comfort talking to each other. Although we talked most nights, we hardly spent time together. Hoping to change that, I invited her to go out to lunch with me. We randomly drove around until we finally found ourselves at a Buffalo Brothers Pizza & Wings. It was nice, nice to be out with someone who I cared about. While we were enjoying our time out together, I received a call from Ryan, urging me to meet up with him and Adam at Adventure Landing. I had a good time playing some miniature golf and hanging out with my friends. The classic picture of Adam assisting with Ryan swing was taken at that time. I was happy, I was out with people I cared about, doing things that were making me happy. I was happy to be spending time with Robin. On the way back, I invited her back to my dorm to watch a movie. I was able to sneak her up to my dorm room, having your two best friends as RA's had its advantages. With Rat Race on the television, and us sitting together on my couch, I made a bold move. I placed my head on her lap, seamlessly she placed her hand on my head and started stroking my hair. We were cuddling, I was just ecstatic that someone had let me that close again. The aspect that I was missing the most from my prior relationship was feeling that intimacy with someone. My world was torn apart for the past couple of months but in those moments, I was at peace, I was whole. We cuddled and enjoyed the movie, very innocent, very relaxing, very peaceful. Something I'd longed for quite a while. At the end of the movie, we heard a knock at the door. Instinctively, we bolted for two different directions. I went for the door as Robin hurried towards the window..... we were on the second story, next to our parking lot, jumping wasn't a option. As I reached the door, it swung opened with Ryan standing in shock. When you live in dorms, the act of knocking is sufficient enough.... no need to wait for a response. In the worse looking of situations, all I could think of is "its not what it looks like." I figured that phrase was reserved for adulteresses and the unfaithful. After getting over his shock, Ryan laughed then assumed the worse. I plea my case for its innocence but it looked the worse.

So despite my emotional conflicts, I started to develop feelings for Robin. Our bond kept becoming stronger as the days passed. I always felt bad about what I did to James during this time. He was an acquaintance of mine, he was one of the guys and we spent time together before I met Robin. Whether me and James were friends, I was in clear violation of bro code with my pursuits and it has always disappointed me that I would've done that. But as the story played out, James would have his vengeance and then some.

I'd had finally given up hope on my old relationship, and constantly running to Robin for emotional support. By spring break, my feelings for her were concrete and now all there was left for me to do was to patiently wait for her relationship to dissipate. Which would come with a little assistance from me. One night late online I told her about a dream I had, I don't remember what it was, just something about us being together. Apparently that finally tipped the scales in my favor and when we returned from spring break, she ended her relationship. One day soon afterwards, we were spending tine with Jenny Sweet and her then boyfriend Jeff, we were at the Rembly Center since it wasn't open house and we weren't allowed in their dorm. When Jeff became ill, Jenny took him back to his house, leaving me and Robin alone on the couch. Cuddling together on the couch, I looked at her and with hesitation asked "what would you do if I kissed you right now..." she laughed at me and responded "I'd throw you across the room." We laughed and then kissed. It was a pleasant rest of the evening.

The start of the relationship was a whirlwind. There was no sense of taking things slowly. We began everything head first with every ounce of emotion we could harvest from the moment. I'd start abusing my friendship with Ryan and Adam, who were RA's of my dorm, by sneaking Robin up as many nights as I could. Even putting my roommate at risk. I didn't care, I was actually happy. I was recklessly falling for someone who I felt saved me from my despair, it was a hopeless romantic's wet dream. I was having tunnel vision, I didn't quite care about anyone else. At least thats what I thought. Despite my intense anger, I couldn't stop caring about Karen. She once posted a blog entry that said something along the lines of "Its called tact, you could use some." In response I posted some apologetic lyrics, to which Robin became furious. It was hard enough for me to know that I had one female angry at me but to know that there were two made my head spin. I started to realize that things were not going to be simple as I hoped it would be. Through the difficult circumstances, we were able to share some very sweet moments. I can never forgot how many things went wrong the night of Spring Formal. Me and Adam attempted to cook for our ladies, but we were 2 hours late with the meal, we didn't fully cook our potatoes, and then I stained my dress shirt with an iron. Robin smiled through it, found it endearing and we had ourselves an excellent night. Quickly, too quickly, we started to talk about the possibility of forever. We would watch romantic movies like Pretty Woman, and compare it to our relationship. We saved each other, we thought, so it just made sense get married. We imagined this majestic mountaintop wedding, right before dawn as the sun settled. All of this was going way to fast, but I didn't question, I jogged it along. In retrospect, it was probably all my ideas. Leaving for that summer was difficult. I had the opportunity that summer to go overseas to Asia, so I wrote her everyday. Once I returned to America, it was almost magical to see her. I wanted that feeling to last forever.

Then I came back to North Carolina for school. Coming back to Campbell, I couldn't get over this emptiness I felt as I realized that I had no attachments to my old life. For the past 4 years of my life, what mattered the most to me was the Alliance, wrestling and my relationship with Karen. My drive to competitively wrestle had all but died out, Mike and Tiff were in Philly living a completely different life that felt so detached from mine, I hadn't spoken, seen, heard from Karen in months, and my hatred for Jose continued to smolder. This emptiness gripped me, and for the life of me I could not shake it. My relationship with Robin didn't provide comfort. Within the first couple of months of school, questions and doubt began to surface in our relationship. Standing my ground, I told her that if she wasn't into the relationship 100%, that we should go our separate ways. After a discussion, we separated. I remember sitting in my bed confident of the decision we had made. Then.......fucking Dashboard Confessional. "This Brilliant Dance," "Screaming Infidelities," began to fill the silent air. With Chris Carrabba lyrics pulsating my ears and alone in my dark apartment bedroom I began to break down. Sitting there all I could think of my failures in my relationships, that the failures with these two women were a reflection of myself. Sobbing in my room, I felt pathetic and completely alone. It wasn't too long before me and Robin were together again. But the precedent was set for our relationship. Soon after our reunion we yet again separated. Around this time we were in constant conflict. At times I would be just a little too goofy, say to much about a joke, or belittle her too playfully. She would get enraged by what I felt were the most mundane things or read too deeply into something I said. With all the external and internal conflict in my life, I started to isolate my friends, mainly my roommates. It was suppose to be an amazing year, me, Ryan, Adam and Kenny in the same apartment but with their new found party scene and my relationship problems we saw less of each other while tension between us became apparent. I'd admit, I was less than a desirable roommate at times. I never brought up my relationship problems with anyone because I was so embarrassed that they were happening. I was Elliot Acosta, relationships were suppose to work for me, I was the knight in shining armor, dammit.

I started to notice Robin hanging out with James again. Trying to make up for past sins, I attempted to not be the jeasolus type. Not worry, not question. I left her apartment early one evening to get some sleep for this new church I was fond of, Vintage 21. Waking up, I called her to see if you wanted to come and she denied it. After that incident, her and James were being very friendly. They would get to close, their stares would linger. Sometime during my lifetime, I figured that the worse thing that could ever happen to me would be being betrayed. It was my absolute fear that people that I'd love would break the trust I have in them. I confronted Robin about her relationships with James. She confirmed the worse, that she had cheated on me. I was so shocked. I was so angry. I was so broken. I was so...... so...... so..... surprisingly numb. I had the initial shock of pain but it all just faded away. This was the point where I just completely gave up on myself. I didn't care about myself anymore. My emotions were gone, I was a shell. Me and Robin separated just off of principle. My embarrassment reached incredible hights. I didn't even hint to problems to my friends. Not they needed that information, they all could tell we were in turmoil. There I was, with two relationships that I aimed towards forever that completely crashed and burned. All I could think of was the problem was me. That I was a failure in love. Then the thought of trying to do it all over again, meeting a person, courting a person, trusting a person, the thought of starting from scratch again took any strength I had left in myself. I just didn't care anymore. Me and Robin eventually got back together, but everything broken. When I came back from winter break, we were yet again on the brink of destruction. I went over to her suite expecting it to be over. But once I got there, she looked at me and asked, "Can you still look at me and see forever?"........ I automatically thought, "no." It was as if I was holding a shotgun, ready to put old yeller down. Our relationship was sick and it would only end up hurting the both of us. But I couldn't pull the trigger. That night I figured it would take an act of God to split us up.

Despite our crappiness, I will always give Robin credit for the things she did do. She had the ability to be amazingly romantic and cute. Making sure I had a real Easter or planning my birthday celebration, event to event, right down to the volcano cake. She would be the tissue for many of my tears, specially when my Lola died. Also was comforting after my first dog Abby passed away. My emotions were so amplied that when Robin told me she didn't feel like going to the State Fair, I started to cry. I was completely messed up. Robin wasn't the most emotionally stable either. We would constantly fight. Every week bought a new battle, for some of the most trivial things possible.

As summer approached my attention and care for our relationship was fading. More often then not I would tell her that I was heading to bed and then just play World of Warcraft for hours. Robin started to ask if we should take another break. Eventually one night I told her that we couldn't take another break. Its done or we continue.... and so, it was done. As I sat on my brothers' driveway I figured a rush of sadness would overtake me. But nothing came. Not one emotion, I was emotionally comatose. A couple more phone calls between us the following days confirmed that we were finally over. Everything that I was put through those past couple years has left my emotions exhausted.

We were try to keep a casual and friendly relationship afterwards but the longer I had to stew about what transpired between the two of us the more upset I'd get. Looking back now, as disappointed as I am for being a dick to Robin at times, I needed to stay upset at her. Sometimes even the most forgiving person needs to stay angry. Robin seemed to be less than impressed with the person I was becoming the following year, at least she would not be impressed when I'd arrive at her apartment drunk to pick up Jenny to go clubbing. Once during our senior year, I had to use her and Jenny's oven. After a little bit of bickering between me and Robin, I decided just to go over and use the oven, no questions asked. When I arrived she was getting ready to go. In and out of her bathroom, leaving the door open, music streaming from her computer. Her typical country music played until eventually it hit to The Get Up Kids "I'll Catch You." In my honest opinion, the most romantic song ever created by man. I remember introducing her to the world of indie rock and emo. Maybe she just didn't bother to delete it, maybe didn't know it was still on her computer, or maybe she thought it was a beautiful song, maybe representing a nice time in her life. I smiled to myself and thought of the days we weren't in conflict and we were sweet with each other. I remembered there was more to Robin than the person who cheated on me and hurt me and more importantly, I was more than this

testosterone driven

wannabe manwhore I was becoming. In the end of the year, in the midst of my new found relationship problems, I reached out to Robin and we had a great chat about things. The day me and Sara began our relationship, I actually went over to Robin's to borrow a vacuum. We sat on her couch and shared our current dilemmas with each other. It was nice as she gave me encouragement for my future endeavors.

I don't talk to Robin these days. She is off married. I hope she has found that person that could rescue her in the ways I tried for her. I hope that person is receiving the Robin that I fell in love with, the sweet one, the caring one. I hope she is happy. It amazes me that you can be that connected to someone and now know as much about them as the other 6,706,993,152 strangers on this earth.

I don't regret it. I've said, written, mentioned, a lot of things discussing my relationship with Robin. And I can say that I don't regret it. I wish things went differently and I wish that I was smarter about how I went about things but when you break something down, if often rebuilds stronger. Thats what I imagined God had sent out for me. I still bless that broken road. I still blessed to have Sara waiting on the other side.